Guess Who?

I recently had a conversation with a co-worker who like I has been blessed with daughter. We were talking about family life and fatherhood in general. We got into the subject of how we are going to deal with our daughters potential suitors in the sooner-than-you-know-it future. After a pause in the dialogue, he asked me this series of questions, verbatim; "Yo Wendell, what would you think if Ariel married a white guy? I mean, would you approve? Do you think it makes a difference?" How's that for a "Guess Who's Coming to Dinner" moment?This set off a virtual roller coaster ride of thoughts and memories in my head. Instantaneously it forced me to confront some deep seated opinions I had about sex, race and culture that I thought I had worked out and was comfortable with. This hypothetical scenario challenged my previous conclusions in a way that I hadn't contemplated. Looking through the rose colored lens of a fathers love for his daughter I had to ask myself, "How DO I feel and does it make a difference?" In America 2009, in this era that has elected the first black President of the United States, who himself is the product of an interracial marriage, race shouldn't matter, right? Riiiiiiiiiight....

The first thing I thought about was the history of race relations in our country especially as it pertains to our attitudes towards interracial marriage. That is to say that traditionally it has been frowned upon. So much so that for many years there was legislation banning it. The first laws banning interracial marriage were introduced in the late seventeenth century in the slave-holding colonies of (shocker) Virginia (1691) and Maryland (1692). Later these laws also spread to colonies and states where slavery did not exist. During and after slavery, most Americans regarded interracial marriage between whites and blacks as taboo. However, during slavery many white American men and women did conceive children with slave partners. The slave holding men often excused the conception of these children as the by-product of their sexual needs, saying that they refused to compromise the sanctity of southern white womanhood to their unclean urges. However, because these properly bred, southern white women had sexual needs of their own - and not feeling comfortable with expressing them to their husbands who put them on this virtuous pedestal...well, you're familiar with the movie Mandingo. Anyway, the children of these unions automatically became slaves if the mother was a slave or were born free if the mother was free, as slavery was matrilineal. Some children were freed by their slave-holding fathers or bought to be emancipated if the father was not the owner. It wasn't very long before the term "Miscegenation" came into the nations vocabulary. A newly invented word in 1863, it meant the mixing of different racial groups, the marrying, cohabiting, having sexual relations and having children with a partner from outside one's racially or ethnically defined group. It comes from the Latin words Miscere, "to mix" and Genus, "kind". The reference to "genus" was made to emphasize the supposedly distinct biological differences between whites and non-whites. In fact, all humans belong to the same genus (Homo), to the same species (Homo sapiens), and to the same subspecies (Homo sapien sapiens). In the United States, miscegenation has referred primarily to the intermarriage between whites and non-whites, especially blacks. The word was coined in an anonymous propaganda pamphlet published in New York City in December 1863, during the American Civil War. The pamphlet was entitled "Miscegenation: The Theory of the Blending of the Races, Applied to the American White Man and Negro." It purported to advocate the intermarriage of whites and blacks until they were indistinguishably mixed as a desirable goal, and further asserted that this was the goal of the Republican Party. The pamphlet was in fact a hoax, concocted by Democrats, to discredit the Republicans by imputing to them what were then radical views that offended the attitudes of the vast majority of whites, including those who opposed slavery.Since that time, the subject of interracial marriage has become increasingly accepted in the United States since the Civil Rights movement and up to the present day. Interracial marriages increased from 65,000 in 1970 to 422,000 in 2005, according to Census Bureau figures. But even with this increased acceptance on the subject over the years, there are still detractors. Segregationists and Christian identity groups have even claimed that several verses in the Bible (the story of Phinehas and the so-called "curse of Ham" for example) refer to miscegenation and that these verses expressly forbid it. Most theologians will assert these verses as forbidding inter-religious marriage, not inter-racial marriage.

After considering United States history, I had to filter my answer through my own personal history. Born to parents who were raised in the Jim Crow era south, my early years (birth thru 7) were mostly spent immersed in the culture of the HBCU campus' my father was employed by in some capacity or another (see my note "Tribute to my Father" for more detail). This was during the late 60's/early 70's when these campus' were the nucleus of the "black power" movement and attitude. As a result, I was constantly surrounded by and came in regular contact with black intellectuals, militants, hippies and radicals during these early formative years. In addition, my parents filled our home with encyclopedias, dictionaries and books of all kinds. I gravitated towards history, especially books on WW2 and civil rights history. By the time the family moved to Maryland, I had already absorbed the notion that there was nothing I couldn't be regardless of my race. All I had known was black professors, plumbers, doctors, students, lawyers, caterers, painters, bankers, waste managers, chemists, business owners, landscapers, writers, engineers...etc. I had seen no limitations, nor did I regard any one profession as greater than another.

From 8 years old on, growing up in what was then a predominately white neighborhood in Prince Georges County MD, my view of race relations was largely Utopian. I don't have stats but if I were to guess I'd say that the neighborhood was solidly 80% white, 15% black, 5% "other" for the majority of my school years. The schools I went to were mostly 50/50 due to busing laws. I always saw myself as completely equal to my neighbors and classmates regardless of race, but different in a way I couldn't define at the time. That difference I now define as "culture" and "perceived class". For example, some of the kids I went to school with qualified for the free lunch program (I did not). Most who did were bussed in from other neighborhoods (I was not). Most of those kids were black (I still am). As a result, because I fit one set of preconceived criteria (black) but not the others (neighborhood, free lunch program) I was "different", both to white and black classmates. I was largely perceived as the same socio-economically but different culturally by the white kids and the reverse by the black kids. This perception led to what I like to call some "ethnically defining moments". Once while at the community pool, one white kid I knew decided it was pick on Flip day. In a large group of us he loudly announced that "We finally have a token minority in our group. We all know who that is." I replied "And we have our token disgusting, fat slob who has to wear his t-shirt in the pool. We all know who that is." Another kid got so comfortable that he once declared to a group of friends with me present that "Flip isn't like the others. He isn't really black. He's just a white boy in black skin." Much jovial laughter ensued around me but I wasn't laughing. When they saw I wasn't laughing it got quiet. I replied, No I'm not. Because I don't act like JJ on Good Times or Rerun or somebody else on TV, you think I'm not black. The fact is I'm the blackest person you know.

It wasn't unusual for some white kid to ask me if I could swim or if they could touch my hair (yes and no respectively - unless you were a girl). Nor was it unusual for a black kid to accuse me of "acting white(!)" because of my speech, fondness for skateboarding or some equally ridiculous reason. Some of these themes would recur throughout my life. As recently as when I had locs clueless white folks were still asking me if my hair was real and could they touch it. Ignorant black folks are still telling me that I don't have to "talk white" around them. I don't know which one is more dumber. No wait, yes I do. On top of those things, I had my own experiences with dating "across the tracks" to filter my answer through. In Junior High, Julie was probably the first person who you could say I dated. I met her one summer while delivering newspapers. Having just moved into the 'hood, I think that she took a liking to me partly because I was the first person she'd met that was her age. We generally hung out together during that summer, and went to the movies or pizza when we could. Her parents seemed to like me well enough, but her brother was none too pleased. I didn't care about him, but I worried how the sistas at school would perceive me for dating her.

Danielle and I went out a couple of times in high school, and then again during and after college. We definitely had an interest in each other, but neither of us seemed comfortable enough to take it to the level of a real relationship. In my early 30's I met Pamela, a 24 yo swim coach and personal trainer. By this time my earlier hang ups about race had mostly dissipated, or so I thought. Our biggest hurdle was the difference in interests due to age. Our times together ended when her good 'ol boy father came to visit her in the big city and I was rendered invisible for his entire visit.Lastly, going back to high school there was Brooke, who I never dated but everyone seemed to assume we did - students and teachers alike. We were simply as close as brother and sister. We still are today. I've never asked her, but I wonder about some of the inquiries she may have received about the nature of our relationship. There were maybe one or two others I dated over the years, but there are two commonalities with my dalliances across the tracks. The women always initiated the first move and ultimately nothing lasting came of it. Why was this the case? Speaking to the former, I'm sure it had alot to do with my being a lifelong student of race relations in this country. More to the point, I had the historic images of black men castrated and hanged for the "reckless eyeballing" of a white women floating in my head. I had the ghastly image of Emmitt Till's disfigured body, having been beaten, eyes gouged out, shot, chained to a cotton gin fan with barbed wire and discarded in a Mississippi river for the crime of "wolf whistling" a white women haunting the recesses of my mind. These long ago crimes against humanity shouldn't have influenced me much in my post civil rights era world, but they did. Consider that Emmitt Tills murder and the signing of the civil rights bill where 9 and 2 years before my birth respectively and my subconscious decision making becomes a little more palatable.

Finally, I had to consider my current circumstances and the environment in which my kids are now growing up. We live in a neighborhood that virtually mirrors the one I grew up in with the exception of a higher Asian population. Unlike my experience, the private daycare/schools my children attend are predominantly white, with a good sprinkling of other cultures. My daughter is one of three Amer-Africans in her class and her best friend is Amer-Asian. Based on current demographics alone, the odds are high that like I, my kids will at least experiment with dating inter racially.

Now let's factor in some current stats on the subject. A Gallup Poll on interracial dating in June 2006 found that 95% of 18- to 29-year-olds approve of blacks and whites dating. About 60% of that age group said they have dated someone of a different race. Also, historical census data and historical data on immigration and birth rates, concluded that 21 percent of the Caucasian population had black ancestors. The data presented in this study indicate that over twenty-eight million Caucasians are descendants of persons of African origin. Furthermore, the majority of the persons with African ancestry are classified as white. So it's not to far a leap to assume that even if not culturally, we are already a nation of blended races.

Shock G (aka "Humpty Hump") of the rap collective Digital Underground spoke of his biracial heritage in lyrics...

"My daddy from the 'burbs, mommy from the hood, growing up I wasn't sure if I should speak proper or dance good, you see my first names Shock G, last name's Jacobs, which means I love chicken but prefer to take it with a bagel".

Come on folks, that's brilliant, funny stuff!

I think about my 17 year old cousin (who is a dead ringer for a younger Gabrielle Union) who's boyfriend is biracial but could easily pass for white. Living in SC (The "you lie" state), what pressures are they experiencing because people draw their conclusions from the visual?

So the human brain being what it is and doing what it does, I had all of the above to process in a matter of seconds before answering my co-worker. My reply was this;

"What would I think and does it makes a difference? In a Utopian world it shouldn't, but I believe it does. Never mind the challenges of most marriages like money issues, conflict resolution and communication. Marriage is tough enough to make work without the added element of the cultural differences, prejudice and social pressure that will be put upon such a union. I want my daughter to have the best possible chance for her marriage to work, and we can't discount the strain that these things will undoubtably cause. They will experience discrimination from both races just for being with each other. Then take the element of the struggle for racial identity that many bi-racial children experience. Constantly being told by society to only choose one side of what makes you who you are has to have psychological drama to it. So yes, I think it makes a difference. Now....would I approve? My approval would be dependent on his character, not his race or ethnicity. He should be trustworthy, communicative and attentive. He should be caring, organized and committed. He should have a Biblical approach to marriage - that is strive to always love my daughter the same way God loves us. It's an impossible goal but one every man should shoot for in a marriage. The only thing he should put before her is his relationship with God. God, family, work, play. That's the order of priorities of a real man. That's the bottom line Dre'. His relationship with God must be a personal one cultivated every day, learning of himself fresh and new everyday. Then and only then can he know how to cultivate a relationship with her. Nothing can derail a marriage based on loving each other the way that God loves us. Not prejudice, bigotry or racism. Not classism or conflicting culture. Emulating Gods love is the ultimate love. If he's committed to striving for that on a regular basis, I don't care if he's Chewbacca.. In fact, no matter who he is I'll probably call him Chewbacca."

In conclusion, I subscribe to the biological theory of genus, species and sub species as stated above. We complicate things by refusing to acknowledge cultures different from our own. Just because a culture is different doesn't make it bad, wrong or inferior. Instead of remaining blissfully ignorant to another culture, we should learn to add its elements and enrich our own experiences. Every morning that I wake up I'm good because when I look in the mirror, I know that I've already seen someone who is no more or no less valuable than anyone I will meet regardless of race, class, creed or position. Is that how you think? Of course we all have our prejudices. However, it's important to know the difference between prejudice, bigotry and racism. Now that is a whole other note entirely.......